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Black Daddies E White Sons (Gay - Sexystore)

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Tim's mother, a housewife, forced herself to get a secretary job to support Tim and his siblings. She is now decaying in a nursing home, steps away from where she raised two children on her own. It's a tempting skin to slip into—to pretend I'm just some uncultured gay kid. He assumes I am basically devoid of taste. Tim is waiting for me to emerge from the tunnel of emotional puberty, assuming that I haven't lived through it yet. Renata is essential!" he boasts. "I listen to this in the car whenever I drive to Half Moon Bay. I bet you'll really love this." I expect my initial reaction to be one of righteous, youthful indignation—I've been orphaned, damn it!—but I feel fine. He doesn't know me well enough to strike me where it hurts, which is the kind of wound a real breakup hinges on. It was sure to fail, anyway, this cozy ballet of two people who didn't understand one another's pain. After it's over, I swear to myself that I'll never do anything that weird ever again.

My emotional constitution is made of straw; I can't say no. Besides, it sounds sort of fun. I nod and, silently, agree. I will be his son. To him, I'm the prettiest twink in the world. When he calls me beautiful, it's impossible not to believe. His feelings seem unconditional, just as any father's love should be. In my mind, he is muscular. He acts "macho," like Tim, not effete. His voice is more full-throated than Tim's, which is gentle and concerned. Maybe he has red hair like Tim. Maybe it's blonde. I don't know how the genetics of red hair work. He doesn't have piercings like Tim. Maybe he's still alive, dating much younger women like his son once dated much younger men. Maybe someone's taking care of him, or maybe he's learned how to take care of himself. Maybe he's died. Maybe he died alone.

Well, yeah," he says. "In terms of age difference, this is probably the most significant. But I've gotten used to being a daddy these days." A few months later, I migrate to a boyfriend who's older than me by a few days, not a few decades. He's as immature as I am. In hindsight, I like that about him. It makes our fights more charged, more bitter, more meaningful. His insults are exacting; he knows precisely what to say to make me feel like I shouldn't be alive. I don't want it any other way. Tim was three years old when his dad left the family. He grew up on a farm near Bakersfield, a city in Southern California. I don't know the exact details of why his dad left, because Tim never told me. I can only imagine the reasons why: another woman. Pathological wanderlust. An irresponsibly-timed crisis of manhood. A revelation that being a dad just wasn't for him. That you are at least 18 years of age or older, and that you are voluntarily choosing to view and access such sexually-explicit images and content for your own personal use.

I don't really see myself as a sexual being anymore," he writes. "I felt like you were fetishizing me. I'm just the daddy with the nice chest. It doesn't feel nice." That night is the first time I see his faculties start to fail him. After dinner, Tim wants to watch Punch-Drunk Love. I tell him I'm too jet-lagged to stay awake, but he insists and I concede. He shuffles around his living room looking for the DVD, slamming discs on his glass table, his hands trembling so violently that the table breaks into shards. I hear it from the bedroom, and he yells at me, blaming me for the table slicing his hand open. I bandage him up until he stops bleeding.

But I wonder about Tim's father more often than I wonder about Tim. My many guesses at the image of Tim's father have started to crystallize into a monolithic daddy. I mean, the name is obviously familiar," I tell him whenever he name drops like this. "But I've never actually read anything by her. I just know she's smart." He gestures at his muscles and large chest. I get it now. While his dad was away, Tim sculpted himself into a vision of fatherhood he never saw firsthand: a sturdy Schwarzenegger frame with the heart of Dustin Hoffman.

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