Those who follow my blog closely will have noticed a bit of a drop off in post frequency towards the end of last year, followed by a three month unannounced absence. The short version of the story is I was having internet trouble and then I got very sick. Now it’s time to catch up on all the posts I wrote and never published, the first taking us back to Southampton and the stupid things I did there.

Those following CFOA will remember I left off the last post in a bit of a foul mood, part of it was being negged in Bournemouth and a collection of little things that bothered me, like my lack of battery and the tire blowouts from The Weekend In Which I Get Cheered For My Failure of the blog having robbed me of most of my money. But most of it was, and I’m sure most people will understand this feeling, the sudden crushing weight that falls on you when you think too hard about your life and you wonder what the hell you are doing.

As I say, I’m sure most people will understand this feeling, and I know it’s not even rational; I’m traveling the UK, I have my animals and friends and an awesome job, basically everything I could want. Yet when I got to Southampton, I’m not going to lie, I sat in Enid and howled for twenty minutes because I was just having a ‘WTH am I doing with my life?’ moment.

I got bored of howling rather quickly, especially since I knew I was being rather silly. So I put on my face, and took myself out in Southampton, determined to stop being a baby.

I walked past a bar called Oasis, saw it had a giant whiskey selection and headed inside.

That is the last solid memory I have of that evening.

I can tell you some of what happened next, as I had some hazy memories the morning after  but I can not a) tell you everything that happened that night b) tell you what order the things I do remember happened in c) show you any photographic evidence and d) explain why I did any of the things that I did.

I think the best way to relay my night would be in list form, as I am completely unable to retell it as a coherent story, as I don’t remember it as such…

  1. Oasis Bar. This was a nice bar, if you’re a whiskey fan you should check it out because the selection is great, although I would say that it is an old man bar. Like an old man pub, only without a faded carpet and cold beers instead of luke warm ones. But still full of old men. I don’t really consider this to be an issue, they were lovely older men, only one of them got handsy and the moment he did a decent man stepped in front of me and demanded the grabber release ‘his niece’. Not that I particularly need rescuing, but I still think it’s nice when men try to minimize the hassle for you using the power of the penis, that makes other men forget they were chatting you up in a way the word ‘no’ can only dream of. The bar men too, were super friendly, with one of them taking his smoke break to take me outside to point out various things to see in Southampton, like the second oldest pub in England and the hotel where all the Titanic goers partied before their voyage. So big recommend for this bar.
  2. The Viking boat, so in Oasis I collected a man who I will call ShortShorts (yes, at the end of September….) anyway, he turned out to be quite the history buff and decided to show me around the walls. Deciding to flee if he tried to take me down a dark alley I tentatively allowed him to show me around, which he then did, so no need for fleeing. The first thing he showed me was this Viking boat. Which is a lot cooler than it sounds, it is only a replica built into the street, but the structure is, apparently, accurate, and if nothing else I had a great drunken time threatening passers-by with an invisible cutlass and warning them of Kraken.
  3. Jane Austen’s wall. Further along the wall is a sitting spot Jane Austen used to frequent, apparently the place where she first started writing Mansfield Park. In light of my recent Jane Austen trip  this part of my tour felt especially fitting.
  4. The bar with a piece of Titanic in. I’m not sure if I believe this. However I’m going to tell it anyway because it’s a good story. This beam was supposedly part of the Titanic until they had a …beam…problem… and some of them had to be swapped out before she could sail. This beam is now in the bar. I cannot remember the name of this bar. I tried super hard to as well. If you want to find it I can tell you it is… on the water front … near a park :S
  5. Tapas Bar, This tapas place was close to the Titanic beam place. I remember it being good, with this pork and apple sauce and sour cream peppers, although, I was quite drunk at this point, so for all I know it could have actually tasted like flannel.
  6. Bowls Court. The UKs oldest bowls court. Of course, at that time it was locked. I took a picture over the wall, I’m sure, although I can’t find it so maybe I didn’t. Then drunk Toni decided she wanted to go in, so I climbed over and had a look around. It was no more interesting than literally every other bowls court in the world. But yeah, that’s been seen now.
  7. Shortshorts helpfully pointed out the bit of dock Titanic launched off. Now, this next bit is a bit fuzzy, but I know we couldn’t just walk onto the dock, so I remember being in a bush (to be fair, this could have been later, I simply assume it was at this point) I definitely remember being on the dock, I remember Shortshorts being tackled by security. So that’s the story of how I saw the Titanic’s launch point.
  8. Drag Club. Pootled off to a place called London Pub…. Or something like that, definitely had London in the title. Anyway the Drag Queen was obviously B-list, but she was enthusiastic, it was a good laugh. I think I pulled as well, I remember a woman stroking my face, but nothing else really.
  9. Casino. I remember I was in one, that’s the whole story.
  10. Park and Beach. I didn’t want to leave Caspian alone too long so I headed back to Enid to take her out for a walk. Shortshorts offered to come, so we went to the park, swung on the swings, jumped out at some poor people just trying to walk their dog (in the middle of the night for some reason…). Then I sent him packing because it was bed time.
  11. Industrial Lock. When I woke up the next morning things were rather up in the air and confusing and more than a little painful. I have no idea how it got there but there was a commercial heavy duty lock on my front seat. With my hair pins in. I’m assuming I picked it, I have no idea when, or why, or how long it to Drunk Me to pick the lock. But I’m sure it was worth it.
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Written by Blue Books & Camper Full Of Animals

I'm a writer of Interactive and Children's Fiction, a book reviewer and the writer of Camper Full Of Animals, a travel blog about my life in a camper van.